you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
