i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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