I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
