How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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