i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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