Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
