I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
