I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
