apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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