it was like his penis was on wheels.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
