You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
