I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
