last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
