When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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