Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Randomize
