Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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