I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
