I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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