He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
