So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
