Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Just invented taco cereal.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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