I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
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remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
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On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!