I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
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