My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
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