I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Randomize
