I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
