did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
