Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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