Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
