It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
