direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Dick very happy bro
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
