I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize