i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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