There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize