remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
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