We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
