The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
