Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
