you traded sex for a burrito?
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
