he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
The best revenge is premature balding
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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