90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Randomize
