I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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