I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
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