My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
