apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
