So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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