I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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