Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
