Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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