Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
