There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
