where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
The feeling are messing with the penis
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize