I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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