Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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