Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
