i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
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