i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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