My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
