He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
