You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
i need some magic done to my vagina
COCAINE IS GR8
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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